The Prelude

Before my life shattered into fragments of which I have had to piece back together to find my authentic self (which is always a work in progress), there were times of pure bliss. There was a child that had fire in her eyes and a spunky personality. A child that lived to live and sought out heart racing adventure each and every day. A child that I am trying to capture back into my heart in order to allow my adult self to thrive.

My childhood memories bring back pain and joy as I am sure many others would say about their own childhood. However, I now look back on these memories with a keen eye for detail. I have picked apart those stand out memories and they now have a purpose. Their purpose is to help me become a better person in the present day. These memories have shaped my beliefs, my feelings, and my behavior. I have to attempt to separate myself from the emotion of these memories to understand any relevance they have in my current day to day life. I have had to review them with curiosity and put aside any attached emotions and feelings to gain a clear perspective. When I write this, it makes it seem so easy to do! It is a tough but necessary task.

Prior to the eating disorder I developed at age 16, and the resulting exploration of my past, I would have stated jubilantly when asked about my childhood that “I had the best childhood ever, and the most amazingly wonderful family.” Well, these days my response would be quite different. It took years for me to become comfortable saying out loud that my childhood was not the serene picture I had created in my mind. It took so long because I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I knew I had immediate family that absolutely loved me. We all did our best for each other with the resources and knowledge we had, and we continue to do that. I am learning that it is ok that everything is not "perfect" in life.

I reflect a lot on this now that I am a parent. I can only do my best. I will not be able to prevent my daughter from experiencing heartbreak, grief and loss. What is in my power is to guide her in the best way I know how to teach her about self-love, resiliency, and how to express her emotions so that she can better cope with these life events when they do happen.