If You Really Knew Me

I often have felt that if people really knew the real me that they would turn and run faster than the speed of light. I have always felt inadequate among others. I now see that the disease of addiction feeds off of that. The disease likes angst because then the disease can push the cruise control button, sit back, and watch the action. People with eating disorders, or any addiction, often put a lot of energy into putting up a false front. They only allow people to see glimpses of themselves, and they often act unlike their real selves to try to fit into a situation and be accepted. They fear that truly revealing themselves will lead to rejection. This is a protective behavior that can result from trauma, and fuel addictions.

The following journal entry was written when I was thinking about all the energy put into hiding what was truly happening in my life. Oh- and as FYI, even if you think you are "faking" it really well, people can see through that- both those that know you well and those that do not. The facade does not last for long despite what you think!

"If you really knew me, you would know that I hate myself. That I cry every night because I cannot find any joy in my life. That I dread going out in public because I do not want people to see me. That I avoid looking in mirrors. That I hate putting on clothes because I want to crawl out of my skin. That I binged and purged just last night. That I went to bed hurting and swollen. Fatigued from all the vomiting. That I think I am disgusting, and I feel nobody will ever love me because of how I look. If you really knew me, you would know that I ache for love and touch yet fear it at the same time.  I want to be happy. I want to live life. I want to have a family and kids of my own someday. If you really knew me, you would know that I am tired of this battle. That I am scared that I will not get better."