Today

This past journal entry is a reminder to me that what is happening today does not have to be the future. It turns out that recovery is real (something I doubted for years), and that I could fulfill many of my dreams. I am now married with a beautiful young daughter. I thought that was never going to happen for me. So much to be grateful for.

"Today was difficult. I am struggling and it is hard to put one foot in front of the other. I know what I need to do, but I lack the will power or strength to do it. It is like I don’t care, but deep down I do. I am just really tired and feeling discouraged. I have a lot of negative feelings about myself and my body. There is not one minute of the day that I can look at my body and feel ok. I am uncomfortable in it always. It feels awkward to move my body. I am uncomfortable standing and talking to people. I just feel huge. My stomach is always very tense and full of pressure. It is like I am busting out of the seams. I wish that I could look at my body without hate. I wish I could learn to appreciate all that it does for me. I feel so unattractive. I really dislike being touched because I feel so physically uncomfortable. It almost causes physical tension or pain when people touch me. My body actually physically aches. How do I change that? Well, I can write over and over about how I hate my body, feel ugly and fat, but writing it day after day does not change how I feel. It is so repetitive and does not change a thing.

I so desperately want to feel at ease in my body. I would give anything for that. Just to know the freedom of how it would feel to go through a day with comfort and confidence. A doctor once asked me asked why I did not date. I can’t imagine ever dating again. I do not think anyone would understand my inability to be touched, get dressed, or go do certain things. A partner would get tired of that quickly. I am fortunate that my family hangs in there with me and accepts that sometimes I cannot put myself together for events. Some new guy in my life would probably just think I was crazy and hit the road. So, I have no desire to even put myself in that position. I look in the mirror and see myself getting larger and larger. I wish for the days when I used to wear shorts without a second thought. I basically want to go back to the days when I liked my body. I will just have to learn ways to cope so that it does not affect my life as much. My body image issues are horrific. I have to try really hard to ignore it. A panic attack can be triggered if I accidentally see myself in a mirror or look down at my legs when I am sitting. I seriously feel disgust and sink into despair during these moments. Every time I move it is a reminder that I am in this body. I do not know how to love it when the hate is so strong. I just cannot believe how much of life I am missing being this way. I still believe losing weight is the answer. If I were thinner, then I feel like I would be more comfortable being social and being around people. I feel large and out of proportion. I want to disappear."